Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You Might Also Like
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”