My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Any refunds available?…
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie