My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…