My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille