@MariyaAlexander: My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@brendohare: My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
@TeaAndCopy: [Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1…2… Sir, what are you– 3…4…I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*
@Up2Long: Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.