@MariyaAlexander: My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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@ObviouslyJustMe: Jesus said to Peter, "Come forth and I will give you eternal glory." Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
@davetureq: They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
@ArfMeasures: ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened? DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle