My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
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When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this