My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
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SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.