My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday