@CakeThrottle: My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Amusitr0n: [shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium] AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man ME: shut up and help me butter them
@dlockw21: Cashier: Going snorkeling huh? Me: Yeah. Should be fun. Cashier: Watch out for sea snakes. Me: Hi, I'd like to return these.
@TheToddWilliams: [dinner, my place] "This tastes like pork?" ME: You asked for a nice swine "No, a nice wine" ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
@truegritrumble: My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.