@CakeThrottle: My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He's like a tiny Republican senator.
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@therepoguy: If your wife says "take out the trash" do not reply with "you cooked it you take it out."
@JoePetroske: 1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
@AlexvanBeek: I'm not saying it's been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep." *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE