My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
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Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear