My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
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That time Alicia messaged me
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
This will never not be funny to me.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.