gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”