My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie