“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
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Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Breaking news:
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live