@bigmacher: #MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her 'Wife'
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@One_FineMess: My pup has now chewed up 4 welcome mats and I'm beginning to think she's more antisocial than I am.
@Dutch_50: A co-worker is retiring, so they're passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
@1NTERCEPTOR_: When they were saying "we will find a good home for him" I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn't know they were talking about me!
@Rollmaninoz: Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin I: but you might get this job M: haha that’s… irrelevant