#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
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[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
⚠️ Important Reminder:
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.