@JennyJohnsonHi5: MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess. Murderer: I didn't do nothin' Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@jwoodham: Never look down on anyone. Unless you're a lion cub named Simba and you're being held over a crowd of animals by a weird monkey doctor.
@DominicStraw: Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!