MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.