Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
You Might Also Like
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
everyone has that one prude friend
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
kevin is now a local weatherman