Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
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“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Aight bet
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments