[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
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My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas