[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
This is so me 😂😂
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!