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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
For the ones in the back.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
accurate
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait