Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
he’s doing your taxes
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.