[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Y’all ready for this
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Good morning.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws