Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me