Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I can’t be the only one 😂
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.