“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
*cough*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
*hires sky writer*
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T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
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K A R E N.