“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You Might Also Like
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
True.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
At least he brought enough for everyone
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]