Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
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Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate