Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
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Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.