If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.