Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.