Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car