Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
*ernest hemingway voice*
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
😎 🍻
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?