NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
That time Alicia messaged me
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”