name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
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Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
peeping toms
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.