I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
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[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*