@ElizaBayne: Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
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@mortimermaiden: I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.
@onion_an: [police raid at balloon store] Cop on radio:"We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over" Hedgehog cop inside:"Its not gunfire, over"
@briangaar: I'm just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8
@KeetPotato: [tied up by the mafia] any last requests? "yes, let me go" [still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]