Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
my professor scared me for a second
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.