“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.