[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
*aggressively waits in line*