[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.