[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Bless you
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.