Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
#NeverForget
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Goodnight 🐶
i’m sure it’s fine
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Midwest trash talk
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions