Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.