I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”