Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
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not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
bro what is going on at twitter
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like