@Parentpains: Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
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@TheMichaelRock: Today's assignment: pay it backwards. Tell the person in front of you that they're paying for your shit.
@abbycohenwl: Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"
@omically: [dentist chair] how's school? *I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn't in my mouth* oh sorry *puts hand in my mouth* how's school?
@Try2StopME: Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.