@CroweJam: Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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@WheelTod: If you're dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
@SarcasticAlly12: Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you're doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
@thatUPSdude: Turns out cops get really pissed if you slip out of your handcuffs even if you say "Ta-Da" when you do.
@Crutnacker: Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria. Obama: Equestria? Isn't that My Little Pony? Biden: 😉