Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Baking is just science you can eat.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
No, YOUR illiterate.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.