@CroweJam: Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
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@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@richforri: I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won't talk to me on the phone for a week.
@Jade_VK: "I can't believe we're selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk..." WALL: "I saw you vacuum up your kid's hamster."