@JLazySAngus: Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
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@Prof_Hinkley: I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
@TheGrimKing: Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
@ColeyGuacamole_: When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*