Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
You Might Also Like
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
new year update: losing everything but weight
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear