[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
(2022)
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Traveler’s camo
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo