*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My blood type is b hungry.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.