@timdonakowski: Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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@dshack8: "I'll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself." Drunks and 1 year olds.
@bea_ker: You wanna see the most dangerous animal in the world mate? Go look in the mirror. (I've locked an adult male puma in their bathroom)
@trojansauce: GOLDFISH: i swear i'll have your money by tomorrow GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money? GOLDFISH: who are you? GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where's my mon
@alldrolledup: A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD