@timdonakowski: Naming my daughter "A Relationship" so I don't have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
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@therealeatwood: They needed three Back to the Future movies so they could cover life’s three great concerns: one’s birth, one’s future legacy, and cowboy
@OBiiieeee: *my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
@thevickster_sa: When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it's time to lay off the Ambien